You want to talk to me on the airplane

Great you’re being friendly, getting out of your shell, but that doesn’t mean I want to talk to you. There is a chick on your other side. Talk to her. Unless you are an attractive member of the opposite sex I want nothing to do with you. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR SONS BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP TO MIZZOU.

Corollary- sharing the armrest. Now I am not one to assert my dominance over an arm rest on an airplane but do not take over the whole damn thing. Really all I need is an itty bitty corner so my elbow doesn’t poke into my side. This is not king of the mountain. I see you squirming because you have to pee but you refuse to give up “the rest.” GOOD. SQUIRM. I have the bladder of an elephant. Or some other very large mammal.

Tsunamis

Why you gotta roll over a whole country like that?

New friend?

Yo, I just met you a week ago, you’re cool we share interests but you gotta chill out. Settle into it slowly…. You might suffocate me otherwise.

F. Middle and Last

What is up with people who use their full middle and last names but initial their first? I don't think it would bother me if they used just first initial and full last name; or even first and middle initial.
Examples of acceptable...
Ego Fatuus
E. Fatuus
E. G. Fatuus
Ego G. Fatuus
Ego Grandem Fatuus

NOT ACCEPTABLE
E. Grandem Fatuus

What's going to happen if you let the world know your first name? Is it embarrassing? I have an embarrassing first name and I would rather people know it than think of what an ass I must be to demand to be called by my first initial. GET OVE YOURSELF.

Tattos

I know I am going to catch a lot of flack for this. But yeah... Tattoos... you look like an idiot. Especially tattoos on your face. Thats just crying for attention. Is there really anything you want everyone to know before you even say hello? Really anything that you couldn't just ... um ... say?

Old soul

People who say they have an old soul annoy me not because its an overused/ poorly understood phrase but because they use it as an excuse for questionable and bizarre behavior. Don't try to pawn off your weirdness as "wisdom."

AC

Don't get me wrong. I love AC; necessary for those hot muggy days where you can cut the air with a knife. Or those days you can't sit in your car without being baked alive. Absolute necessity. But I don't like those people who turn up their AC as soon as they stop using their heat. Why is the earth so inhospitable that it couldn't possible create a comfortable or sustainable home for its inhabitants? When can clean air enter their home? How much dust, dirt and debris are you forcing yourself and your family to inhale? Especially with children, what are the chances of asthma and other infections increasing? (I would like to know these numbers... I know it at least doubles) This more than annoys me- it saddens me. Embrace your fucking inner hippie and open a fucking window. I'm not saying you have to move into a yurt and eat only Yak's milk and lentils but try passive cooling systems? I have only used my AC three times this year and we've had temps over 100. Not that I am some shining example of environmentalism. I fly around the world frequently and my car gets 25 mpg. Okay this is serious ramble territory. Bah. Stop wasting electricity and fossil fuels. I'm done. I swear.

Quotation Punctuation

I hate when people don't know how to punctuation a sentence within quotation marks. "It always goes inside the marks." "Even if it is a semi-colon;" or "An ellipsis ..." "When using parenthetical citation always end the original sentence with a comma and attribute the material," (Me 145).

Broken Glass

Broken glass is the worst. I broke a shot glass in my bedroom last week. Glass got everywhere. All the nooks and crannies. Plus, bedrooms are places you DONT WEAR SHOES. Often without the light on. At least I have hard wood floors, but I still don't think I got all the bits from under my bed/dresser.
Broken glass in carpet is by far the worst. Bits get embedded deep down. For years they're tucked away until suddenly your barefoot lands just right and.... OUCH. You have to get rid of the carpet. Its the only way to get rid of the glass.
Speaking of which I have a wonderful tale which amalgamates these two scenarios. My lovely room mate decided to leave some cheap glass canisters on the top of a very wobbly shelf in our bathroom. Of course it got knocked over, the canister hit square on the side of the tub- half the shards flying into the tub and the rest mostly landed our bathmat. Pain in the ass to clean up. Hmpf.

Paris Hilton

The epitome of annoying brats.
To give her a second chance I watched one episode of her new reality show. What an ungodly human. Vile creature. Beyond annoying.

Touch Screens

Fucking hate them. They always get "touched" when I least expect (OR WANT) it. Inappropriate touching. Just. Foul.

Other Blogs

I hate when other blogs steal your highnotes as a compilation piece.

Beat.

Why do people take a pause before answering on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me? and why do they always answer as a question. Spit it out.

Project Deadlines

So little sleep. So much work. And for all of that hard work... will it even be worth it?

Zero

Number Zero- I am calling you out.
Why is zero plural. If I had zero croissants to eat today it was not plural amount. I suppose it wasn't singular either. Maybe it is an infinite undefined amount? It is definitely sad. And sadness has no bounds, no end to its depths. Perhaps ,I will wallow in misery of not having a croissant for several more hours.

Now look what you've done Zero! You've made me hungry, sad, and confused. Good job.

I Have a Unique Name

Yes, it's pretty. Yes, it's unusual. Yes, I constantly am questioned about its origins. Its Shakespeare. The character dies a horrible death. I don't know why my parents chose it; they just did. Not a family name.

Let's move on.

You Self Promote

Sure everybody has to toot their own horn- thats really the only way to get ahead. But why do it with friends- we already know your background if we're your friend. Blah blah blah full ride to an ivy blah. Cornell is not a real ivy. If something was interesting then when you made a hint to it earlier we would have prodded you for more. We did not prod. We do not care.

I can tell you're lying to me...

I can tell you're lying to me. There are a few tale-tell signs.

• You look away as you're answering- down to the right to be exact.
  
• You answer way to fast- clearly you thought over your answer before I asked the question. You knew it was coming.
• Yet as quickly as you answered you sounded a little uncertain.
  

I know you lied- it was the stupid thing too. Why do it then?

You give me no warning!!

Hi your mom is visiting. You told me yesterday, she arrived today. NOT COOL.

Colds.

Now I'm all snuffy. hmpf.

Marathons

People who run them are just too self righteous for me. OH I'm helping raise money for research AND I am in phenomenal shape. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ghost Blogs

People who desert blogs after the honeymoon period. We all get infatuated with a blog as we start a new one. We post five times a day and we see everything as an opportunity to post. After a week or two our posts go down to one a week. I promise not to let that happen to this blog BUT I am not a professional blogger. I have real work to do. Said work usually means restrictions on things like blogging, cooking, sleeping ie anything that is required for real life. For example on the other two counts- I cook one meals a week for myself. I sleep approximately 4 hours a night. I know a little post would take three minutes max but there is also the break in concentration that is needed to step away from my real work and concentrate only on this and then get back into my other work- usually 40 minutes.

You take the high road

Yelllow? Sometimes I like being a vindictive brat because you piss me off. And what do you do? Take the high road???? Yeah please stop that....play into my pettiness. Hmfp.

Yawn noises

You make mouth noises when you yawn. Not the typical "AhhhhhhHH!!!" sort but the mucous sound of things moving around in there. They are very disturbing and just....gross. Please stop. You call it a irrepressible bodily function... I say you're just being spiteful.

Loud mouse

My mouse clicks extra loud. I'm sorry. I bought it last year and never noticed until I was working at 5 am and it's the only thing we can hear. You're 60 feet away and I can't hear a peep from your desk, but I can hear my clicks echoing all over. Merp.

You smell me

Hi, you just smelled me. I did notice fyi and I let it go. BUT you actually complimented me on my shampoo. Maybe if it were perfume? Maybe? But shampoo? Its nothing special... not a particular scent besides soap. Does that really do it for you?

You scavange for ideas

I'm sorry you're not creative. But don't annoy me to solve your problems. Fucking deal with it and change careers.

Jet lag

Why am I getting up at five am? Screw that I want to sleep.

Hair in the shower

Yuck. Hair in the shower drain. I don't care where you are or to whom it belongs.... its just gross. I once let my brother use my shower- it looked like the swamp monster had a baby in there. I firmly believe in cleaning out the drain after every shower. You never know who may use need to use it. Now public showers don't count ie swimming pools and hotels. But your home and if you're sleeping over at a friends place. Always.

You're never around

I need you to be around more. You promise you would be and now you're off again. Come aorund when you promise to do so. Okay? Good.

Bed Bugs

You bite me. And now I have welt-like bites all over my body. You're not even in my bed- I was attacked on a airplane! But I out smarted you. Washed all my clothes, even my boots and suitcases. There is no coming back from that....

Guest annoyance! Music on trains!

Guest Annoyance!
Hi again- away on a trip to Denmark (AIEEE! right?) so I've a guest post!


Bluma's annoyance? People with ipods turned up all the way. AND she's right! nobody wants to hear your stupid music- if they did they would have it on their own ipods. There is no godly reason to listen to music that loud unless you're intentionally trying to damage your ears. Plus some people like to sleep on the train (I am not going to encourage this because for me it would mean looping around the same line 5 times and then getting mugged). To quote my friend, "if i can clearly make out the words to the song, it is too fucking loud betch!"


On a side note- I once had the pleasure of an immense black woman singing along with her ipod on the DC metro. She was NOT trying to get money just trying to pander attention from strangers. I switched cars.

Luggage

Luggage. You fucking annoy me. When I bought you, you were so so very spacious. I could fit half my wardrobe in there! In college I took you home for winter break with everything that fit in my dorm room. Now that I'm going to Copenhagen for a week and you're at capacity with just my underwear? Whats your DEAL?

Apple Juice

Oh macbook, you have held me through some hard times but recently your battery has been puting out on me randomly. I was just chatting with buds and then peaced out-no warning. Not cool. That makes me annoying.

Ice trays

Hi you.
You know who you are. That guy. That guy who uses up all the ice in the tray except for ONE cube. So when I want to make some iced tea I only have one cube. One cube don't make iced tea. It makes tepid tea. Yes, I could just drink the hot tea, or refrigerate it for 6 hours but I wanted real iced tea.
Let's make a rule, less than 6 cubes you fill it up.